It sounds stupid, but at some point in my life I developed a horrible habit of trying to obtain perfection. My addiction became self help books. I was fixed on making myself perfect. I actually thought that if I achieved my goal I would feel the empty void in my soul. Now, I never struggled with my weight, acne, or negative feelings towards my physical appearance; therefore I didn’t recognize that I dealt with self hatred. I thought self hatred was only for those struggling with addictive behaviors, self harm, or eating disorders. Little did I know I was beating myself to death aimlessly seeking perfection.
I have talked with other women who struggle with this hidden hatred towards themselves. It makes me wonder where we develop such strong feelings of hatred? Where did we get this idea that we are not enough? Of course the answer always stems from a lie that you have been believing for years. Maybe your dad left when you were young? Maybe you have been in a relationship with someone who was abusive? Maybe you have never been fully accepted in any community setting? Maybe your report card was never good enough for your parents? Maybe you chose an unacceptable career path? Chances are every living and breathing person has felt the pressure of not being enough.
What do you do with this inner tension. Do you accept it? Do you say to yourself I am not good enough, or do you work tirelessly to change yourself so that you will feel the acceptance you so desperately desire?
Again, I didn’t recognize I was beating myself up. I didn’t realize I dealt with self hatred. I had to watch my behavior when someone or something communicated to me that I was not meeting their expectation. I immediately transitioned into fix mode. There was a book that could fix it. There was a workshop that would change it. There was a fitness class that would shape it!!! I became addicted to fixing myself. At one point it got so bad I had to force myself to fast from self help books for over a year. I even chose to not get on the scale for a year. I was not focused on the number for nutritional purposes, but instead as a means to measure my level of obtaining perfection and controlling the one thing that I had the power to control. Though the number on the scale has not changed for years it didn’t stop me from having to frequently check the number to make sure I didn’t get out of line! If I did I knew how to fix it. I would take an extra spin class or drink one less latte.
I became so good at fixing myself. When I took a year off of trying to obtain perfection I could hardly handle living with myself. All of my flaws were spread all over for everyone to see. My perfectionist nature couldn’t handle the exposure, but what it exposed in me was that I actually hated myself for not being able to control my shortcomings. I had to dig deep and find that I hated this part of me because I was secretly afraid of not being loved for my weaknesses. I thought if anyone recognized my flaws they would reject me. Due to the rejection I experienced in my life I developed a habit of appearing perfectly put together as a desperate attempt to make people stay. It was my attempt to be loved the way I desperately desired to be loved.
I found as I embraced both my beauty and my flaws I opened up the door to experience true love. The love that never leaves no matter what side of you they see. I could not have experienced the love I was searching for had I not put down my defenses. Though I thought achieving perfection would cause someone to love me it did the exact opposite by keeping people from seeing the real me. It left me cut off from love and cut off from the real me.
You don’t have to punish yourself to become worthy of what you truly desire. Search deep and discover why you are critical towards yourself and let go of any lies that have actually become barriers keeping you on an island of exile. You were made to embrace the skin you have been given. You must love yourself before you can ever attempt to love others. Loving yourself means refusing to beat yourself up for lack of perfection. Walk in confidence and respect the mind, the body, and the spirit that you have been given!!!
